RAPTURE PREPAREDNESS KIT

LOOK MA...I'M FLYING!

So what is a rapture? According to the Bible, it is the event that will occur at the End of Days where Christians will assemble in the air to meet Christ.  After the saved Christians are air-born, they will apparently be whisked off to Heaven while the rest of us poor schmucks deal with the end of the world for the next five months. According to Christian radio broadcaster Harold Camping, the time of the rapture is scheduled for today, May 21, 2011 at 6pm in every time zone. So kind of like what happens on the New Year, the East coast will experience it first while the West coast has to wait 3 hours where they can watch the time delayed broadcast of "Dick Clark's Rockin' Rapture."


ROBBED AGAIN!
So once again, the Goyim have all the fun! Not only do you get the cool holidays like Christmas and Easter...but now you get to FLY!!! WTF!!! So I guess I'll do what most Jews will do. While you Christians are whooping it up on your flight with Jesus, I'll be eating Chinese.

WHAT TO PACK.
The Bible is not very specific about what to bring with you if you are chosen to (as Elphaba says) defy gravity. Most likely you won't need much since the plan is to rendezvous on a cloud somewhere and then head on up to Heaven, in which case you won't need any worldly possessions. So I would recommend a light sweater since it may be chilly. 


Now because the Bible doesn't talk about how long you'll be up there or if you'll be taking a detour, you may want to pack an overnight bag or napsack. Eagle Creek makes wonderful canvas packing folders that will literally hold up to 12 garments and keep them nicely folded. 

RAPTURE TIP: Place a Bounce fabric softener sheet in the envelope with your clothes so Jesus can smell how fresh you are. Surely this will help you become Heavenly-bound.

FOOD

I am not sure if there is an in-flight meal planned, so those of you rapturing may need to pack a lunch. Unlike most of the major airlines, this flight doesn't allow you to purchase any type of snack-pack other than loaves and fishes. So pack something light like a small Tupperware filled with granola or pick-up up a sandwich at Fresh N' Easy.

WHAT ABOUT MY PETS?

Well it turns out that pets who believe will be joining those selected. And the best part is that they don't have to fly in the luggage compartment or in a carrier. They will get to float alongside you.

SCHEDULE OF RAPTURE EVENTS

According to Harold Camping, at 6pm a horrible global earthquake is supposed to start in Australia and make it around the world. This will set off a series of destructive events until the world ends on October 21st. 

Approximately 200 million people will be saved leaving the other 7 billion of us crushed in the quake, burned by sulfur or turned into pillar of salt. Hmm. Why salt and not pepper?

Camping also goes on to explain that it is occurring at this time to punish those participating in Gay Pride and Same-Sex Marriage.

October 21st. We are done.

FINAL THOUGHT

I suppose the one good thing about this insanity is that it makes people aware that time is precious and that they should live every day as if it's their last. However, the God that I believe in doesn't instill fear and hate but rather brings joy and love. Just ask the thousands of vibrant people that were at the Kylie Minogue concert last night at the Hollywood Bowl. So I guess...today I feel like I've already been raptured here on earth. Mr. Camping, I am officially canceling your little rapture-fest!

But I have to admit...the flying thing is pretty cool!