WARNING: NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!
Something disturbing happened yesterday. On my way home from work, my car suddenly filled up with a foul odor. I became alarmed because I recently started eating Activia yogurt as part of my Weight Watchers regime and thought maybe I had...well you know. I had heard from friends (and Jamie Lee Curtis) that Activia was very effective. But I really didn't feel like I had, had an accident. And yet I wasn't so sure. I started asking myself, "Have I gotten to an age where I can't even feel what is happening to me?" I think I know my body pretty well, and that would be highly uncharacteristic of me. But my curiosity and frustration with wanting to locate the source of this odor had gotten to be a bit of an obsession. So as I was driving, I got up the courage to touch the seat below me to see if I was going to need to pull off to the nearest rest room or, God forbid, have to go to a car detailer. Everything seemed normal. And yet the smell was getting worse.
"Oh God! What is happening to me?", I said out loud. "Am I having smelling hallucinations?"
So while going 70 mph on the 5 freeway, with one hand on the wheel, I stuck my other hand down my pants and did a little exploration to see if there was anything to be concerned about. Oprah said we shouldn't text while driving, but she didn't say anything about this. After a quick examination, I discovered that things seemed fine.
I rolled down the window to air out the car and the smell kept getting worse. Perhaps I was driving by a farm where a farmer had put down fresh manure. Nope. So I started looking around my car to see if maybe somebody broke in and relieved themselves while I was doing shows today. I mean, there are some eccentric people who work at Disneyland, but I doubt somebody would take the time to break into my car, take a dump and leave. And surely security would have seen them. If they make an arrest, what are the charges? Poopacide? But there was nothing I could see.
I checked my shoes to see if I had stepped in something horrible. Still nothing. So my attention turned back to my underpants and I did a second check. (I'm not joking.) Because if it wasn't me, where the hell was this smell coming from? I'm only 46 for Chrissake! Am I at an age where I am losing control of my faculties?
In the middle of this frenzy, the truck in front of me stepped on it's brakes and I did the same. It was only after I came to a stop on the 5 Freeway, with my hands in my pants after a third dive, that I realized I had been following a truck transporting... horses. Turns out I was smelling horse poop the whole time. Traffic started moving again and I felt relieved that I wasn't losing my mind.
I felt like an utter fool! I can't believe I let my mind spiral like that and it struck me funny. So I started laughing in my car. I laughed so hard that I didn't see the horse trailer make a sudden stop. I slammed on my breaks and it was then it happened. I sharted.
Not really. But it would have made a great end to the story.
Anyhoo...I really do like Activia.
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