No doubt, there have been prominent gay people throughout history. And nowadays there are gay actors, characters and images all over TV. But when I was a kid, there were no real gay people on TV. And if there were, I didn't know it. Sure Paul Lynde would be giving the nation clues through his clever, hilarious answers on Hollywood Squares. But as a young child, I was watching PBS shows like Sesame Street, The Electric Company and the place where I encountered my first lesbian--Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.
THAT'S NO LADY
Lady Elaine Fairchilde was a feisty, lonely museum curator who always had outstretched arms...but not for hugging. She lived and worked alone in a spinning building called a Museum-Go-Round.
And she always seemed angry and constantly at odds with King Friday.
But Lady Elaine was a husky woman compared to some of her frail, brittle boned puppet counterparts and didn't take shit from anyone. She was not afraid to speak her mind and was a classic alcoholic. You would drink too if you spent your life alone in a spinning Museum-Go- Round. And how else would you explain the Rosacea?
SOME FUN LESBIAN FACTS ABOUT LADY ELAINE FAIRCHILD
1. Lady Elaine Fairchilde took over the Museum-Go-Round after a family of frogs moved out and was good at manipulating real estate deals. Not that this is a classic lesbian trait, but I am convinced she used her dykey-wiles to intimidate the frogs so they would move out.
2. She would demonstrate super human strength by physically moving her Museum-Go-Round to different parts of the Land of Make Believe.
3. She had a magic device called her Boomerang-Toomerang-Zoomerang which not only was employed to make mischief for King Friday, but also served as her vibrator.
4. She frequently played accordion, a classic lesbian instrument.
5. Clearly not a lipstick lesbian, she chose fabrics resembling brown burlap.
6. Now here is the conundrum--Lady Elaine Fairchilde had a huge affinity for roosters (cocks) and loved astronomy and rocket ships. Hmm. Phalluses all around. Were these clues that maybe she was actually just a confused straight woman experimenting and going on vacation to the Dinah Shore Classic? Or was she having Lady Betty Aberlin over for late-night Boomerang-Toomerang-Zoomerang sessions in her Museum-Go-Round?
MY LESBIAN WORK HISTORY
Perhaps Lady Elaine was influential on my extensive history of lesbian employers. I have worked several jobs where my boss could easily have been a Lady Elaine Fairchilde. And believe me...they were tough. The were on me like white on rice. But they helped instill in me a good work ethic and gave me backbone. Perhaps I was the pussy-whipped King Friday to their Lady Elaine. But THIS King Friday was boning Daniel Tiger. So there!
FUZZY WUZZY WASN'T LEZZY WUZZY
Today, I have many lesbian friends. Had it not been for Lady Elaine Fairchilde I might not have ever know what a lesbian was. So I salute you Lady Elaine and your delightful spinning house of muff-diving curiosities. I hope you are sober and that your rosacea has cleared up. You inspire me to fix my car.
That wasn't rosacea...that was the rum.
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