Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I love Oprah! I really do. What she has done for people around the world is just incredible. But that being said, having watched the first part of the 2 finale shows, you'd think that she was going to be shot up into the heavens for her OWN Rapture. (Get it? OWN!)

In my best Oprah voice, "Ladies and Gentlemen...Jeeeeeeesus Chriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiist!"

So what do you get for a woman who has spent the past 25 years literally changing the world and who has everything. Oh, I know. A FOREST. 25,000 oak trees to be exact. Diane Sawyer called them Oprah Trees. So now I suppose I have to say, "Get your damn feet of my Oprah coffee table!" or "Crap! I think I've got Poison Oprah!"

The person I feel sorry for here is the poor schmuck P.A. who got Oprah a Starbucks gift card for $10. "Oh thank you baby. Just put it over there next to my forest." I mean...what pressure! How can one possibly shop for this woman, who has educated us and forced us to look at ourselves in the world with new eyes. 

So that is why I am proposing a brand new shrine to the soon-to-be deceased Oprah Winfrey Show using my OWN special gifts. I call it Oprahland! A new theme park dedicated to everything Oprah. 

Some of the attractions include:
STEADMAN'S WILD RIDE - You get to become Oprah's partner Steadman on this classic dark ride and shooting gallery. Riders will get to shoot annoying paparazzi that pop out and say, "Over here Mister Winfrey".

OPRAH AND GAIL'S TRIP ACROSS AMERICA - Sit in the back seat as Oprah and Gail bicker their way through scenic America. This interactive experience allows riders to vote from a one (strictly friends) to ten (full throttle lezzie). 

YOU BE OPRAH'S GUEST - You are the star of the show when you say your name into the computer and then magically Oprah introduces you as a guest. "Ladies and Gentlemen....Jeffrey SUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMNNNNEEEEEERRRRR!"

OPRAH'S UGLY CRY - An audio-animitronic Oprah responds to your sad story. The sadder the story, the uglier the cry. Caution: this ride will get you wet.

THE PRODUCER COASTER - For all of you thrill-seekers who watch "Season 25: Behind the Scenes"  you get to be a producer on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Pitch your idea to Oprah. If she likes it, you will experience a fast smooth ride. If not, get ready for drops, spins and mood swings.

THE TOWER OF HAIRROR- You never know what hair style Oprah is going to wear. But when you ride this free-fall style ride, your hair will transform into one of Oprah's many crazy hairstyles from year's past.

TOM CRUISE MOON BOUNCE - You get to play Tom cruise and jump on Oprah's furniture.

OPRAH'S BOOK CLUB: THE RIDE - This roller coaster type attraction shoots you out at 80 miles an hour and then sends you straight up into the air where you get to scream at an audio-animatronic James Frey, author of "A Million Little Pieces".

YOU GET A CAR! - Riders begin in a holding area, until Oprah screams "You get a car!", at which point they trample one another to get their car of choice before anyone else. Helmuts and knee-pads provided.

And finally AHA! THE MUSICAL! A cast of singers and dancers that sing songs of inspiration and in the end, discover that they are enough. 

So suck it all of you girl's school-building, tree-planting, mother-f-ers. Once I build Oprahland, nothing will be able to stop my growing HARPO empire! Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

So long Oprah! You will be missed!

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